What if the world’s most powerful men were not from Silicon Valley, Paris, or Moscow — but from Tirane, Fier, or Tropoje?

Imagine boardrooms filled with Turkish coffee, arguments shouted over cigars, and global summits starting with “Hajde, pi një raki para se të flasim për marrëveshje.”

Here’s what the power players of the planet might look like… if they were Albanian!

1. Elon Musk → Loni Myshku

Loni Myshku didn’t invent Tesla — he fixed his uncle’s Volkswagen until it turned electric. Now, he’s building rockets from Fushe-Kruje that promise to take you from Tirana to the moon, pa doganë. He also owns “SpaceCaffé,” a company that plans to colonize the moon with Albanians (because someone has to open the first coffeeshop there).

2. Jeff Bezos → Xhevi Buzi

Xhevi or Xhevahir started by selling Italian clothes smuggled from Bari in 1998. Fast forward to now, he runs Amazon.al, delivering everything from macchiatos to Mercedes rims in under 24 hours. Rumor says he once delivered a package faster than a cousin driving from Tirana to Shkoder.

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3. Tim Cook → Thimi Kuka

Thimi Kuka is the quiet genius from Vithkuq who turned his obsession with order and efficiency into a tech empire called Moll’Tech. He’s known for sleek designs, minimalist style, and giving the longest, most polite speeches ever heard at the Korça Beer Fest.

4. Mark Zuckerberg → Mark Zuka

Mark Zuka invented Surratlibri, the Albanian version of Facebook, because he wanted to track who came to weddings without bringing an envelope. The app’s top features? “Kush u fejua,” “Kush u nda,” and “Kush postoi foto nga pushimet në Ksamil me përshkrimin ‘thjesht unë’.”

5. Donald Trump → Dodë Trampaj

Dodë owns half of the Adriatic coastline and swears his buildings “have the best views — everyone says so!” He plans to build a golden tower in Divjake called Trampaj Resort & Grill, and his slogan? “Make Albania Great Again ”

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6. Emmanuel Macron → Manjol Mokra

Manjol’s known for his elegance and charm — and for marrying his high school teacher (which in Albania, would still cause a week-long neighborhood debate). He’s fluent in French, Italian, and the universal language of “me mik mbaron punë”.

7. Vladimir Putin → Valmir Prifti

Once a judo champion in Bajram Curri, Valmir now leads Blloku Kombëtar i Forcës, insisting every country in the Balkans “once belonged to Tropoje.” His hobbies include fishing shirtless in Valbona and staring menacingly at anyone who orders salad without meat.

8. Kim Jong-Un → Shkëlqim Jonuzi

Shkëlqim rules Republika Popullore e Roskovecit, where the internet works only when he says so. His people adore him for giving everyone free sunflower seeds and unlimited TikTok dances filmed in the village square. Occasionally seen testing homemade fireworks “for research.”

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9. Recep Tayyip Erdoğan → Rexhep Taip Ergjoni

Rexhep Taip Ergjoni built a mini-empire in Bilisht by constructing mosques, stadiums, and… suspiciously many roundabouts. He gives fiery speeches that last three hours and always end with “Tani hajde hani qofte, janë falas.”

10. Friedrich Merz → Frederik Meçe

The German politician becomes a sharp-tongued economist from Orikum who lectures everyone about saving money — but still drives a Mercedes and tips 10 lekë at the café. He’s working on a new reform called “Zero taksa për kafen e mëngjesit.”